Wow, what a testimony to your strong, beautiful faith. Several other things came to mind as I read this heartfelt and moving post. One is, I don't believe we should ever feel guilty about our emotions because we can't help them. They come unbidden. We should only feel guilty if we act on them, because we are responsible for our actions, not our feelings. So if you wished your husband were dead, but you didn't act on it, no guilt or wrong involved.

Another thing I picked up on is that you are learning to be joyful from within rather than relying on him for your joy, and that's so important. When you can be happy internally regardless of him or how you feel about him, that's true joy.

I wish you miracles and blessings on this journey. Thanks for sharing your heart.