Shae, thanks for sharing your heart so openly. Most of us have struggled with questions and doubt, which is okay because God doesn’t give us all the answers and He understands our vulnerable human condition. You’ve had some excellent words of wisdom from other responders to this post, and I agree with them. Keep seeking and praying for guidance, but also don’t struggle against the doubt or beat yourself up about it. Try to relax into an enjoyment of God’s presence without agonizing over what you should think about God. He will eventually reveal that to you and in the meantime just relish the fact that He loves you and knows of your troubles.