I'm so sorry you are going through this and have been through so much. You're a good writer, and I would venture to guess, a good vet. But if you don't find joy in it, then life must be pretty dismal, especially since you've endured so much for most of your life. I hope you can either make the changes you need to make, or find some hope in your current circumstances. To me, at 72, you're still so young. I wish you well.