Don't be too hard on yourself. I, too, experienced relief at my mother's death, along with the sorry and the love I had for her. It's natural and it's normal. I hope you wake up every morning knowing you did a great job for your mother, and reveling in the freedom you now have. You were a gift to your mother, and each new day on this earth is a gift for you. Embrace it. There are books to read, articles to write, people to love, places to see, truths to discover. It is a great big adventure, and you are free to enjoy it. Your mother would want that. She is on her own adventure now, which is far removed from the suffering of old age that she experienced.