Beautiful writing from such a gifted writer, Alan, but so hopeless and depressing! I hope and pray you get on the other side of this and become the person your potential indicates you have the ability to become. Turn your focus outward and look at all the people who need your help. I’ve seen too many people I know relapse and die of overdoses, or not get their kids back out of foster care. You’ve got this one life and you’re young with a world of adventure ahead; I wish you well!